Most of my clients who have come to see me seem to have the same problem that springs to the surface: the compulsive need for the approval of the world around them. This is a painful issue that takes time to be resolved. Surprisingly, most people begin to deal with this problem after they have reached their forties. They turn to therapy when a need to take charge of their own lives becomes apparent.
After listening to my clients, I have found that most of them were victimized by the egotism of a parent, or possibly both parents. It seems that parents raise children with their own selves in mind, rather than trying to understand that every child is unique and needs to function through his or her own personality, traits, and behavior.
Parents must not view their children as a way to achieve their own lost dreams. Chidren can lose their special individuality (when parents try to take control of their lives) by issuing “great expectations.” If parental egotism prevails, children will continually live with an inner question: “Do My Parents Love Me?” Children who feel that they can never meet their parents’ expectations can easily develop into “pleasers”, people who need to be loved by everyone. These children never feel as if anything they do is good enough, and they grow up with inner rebellion and resentment. Always trying to obtain their parents’ love, they often say yes to their mother’s and father’s dreams, when what they want to say is no! As the years pass, these children can develop a deep problems with the decision making process. They may take forever to make an important decision, and opportunities can be lost. Fear and self-doubt can win out if children are not allowed to express their own individuality.
Parent need to respect and recognize their children’s innate traits, talents, and abilities. It is their responsibility to have the consideration and courage to let go of their own egos. They must support and validate their children, as validation nurtures self-approval, and self-approval tempers the need to be all things to all people. When children are allowed to make their own decisions under the guidance of parents who recognize the importance of their kids’ own dreams, blame and resentment will be replaced by love and respect.
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