Some people will try to encourage you and say, “It was meant to be. A new door will open. There’s a reason for everything” and they are right, but those words only make you feel a little better.

Losing a good job when you are not ready is scary–especially when you don’t have a mate to support you.  Even if you do have a mate or someone else to take care of you the loss can be devastating and the worry is extreme.  None of us want to lose our independence and dignity.

At first, your insecurity looms large, and you begin to doubt your talent and ability. Most of all, you feel rejected. It’s understandable that you may begin to punish yourself. You think, “I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t stand up for myself. And then you get angry and think, “Why didn’t they appreciate me? They will never find anyone with my experience. They didn’t consider my feelings.

You may be right, but that doesn’t matter — what does wallowing in your own self-pity do for you?Not much! It only brings depression, lack of self-esteem, and self-imposed mind spinning, that is mostly illusionary.

The one real thing that we have in our favor when life seems impossible is believing in ourselves. We cannot give up our identity or what we have built in our lives because we lost a job. We will only know our strength when we are challenged. If we have been strong and competent before, we can be strong and competent again.

We need to review and value our past accomplishments. We must understand that we can learn anything if we can hold on to our self-esteem. We didn’t lose our intelligence, we lost a job. We didn’t lose our dignity, we lost a job. We are as young as we think we are. What we think we become and what we believe we are! If we are physically and mentally healthy we can conquer anything we put our minds to.

Its not about obsessing over your loss, it’s about exploring a new or similar career. It’s about exploring a career that makes your heart sing.  It’s about catching yourself when your nerves and anxiety takes over, as nerves and anxiety get in the way of your spirit and enthusiasm.

Whenever we are challenged we must feel that there are always possibilities. What we were before, we can be again, and more.  When we can hold on to ourselves and reinvent our lives, we are never alone and lost.

Freshman, who have spent a lot of their time depending on their parents to solve their problems go through a major adjustment. Their parents are constantly calling them on their cell phones to make sure that they have made the right decisions, not wanting to let go.

I tell the students I work with that entering college is a perfect time to feel the power of self-acceptance — the belief that they have the ability to be responsible and trust their own decisions. They strongly agree with me about the importance of accepting themselves, but they often respond with, “Oh, that would be great…but am I good enough?” I smile and say, “Think of this, learning to trust yourself will allow you to feel the joy of knowing that You Can Be In Charge of Your Life. Having the courage to accept and believe in yourself gives you a real opportunity for newfound self-confidence and freedom. You won’t need to constantly please your parents, or look for their approval.”

I can’t say that every student is a pleaser, or needs the approval of others, but the percentage is great. As a coach, lecturer, and trainer for many college students throughout the United States I find that so many of them live with the everyday demand of never feeling good enough.  This constant anxiety moves them toward living with extreme worry, gross analyzation, self-doubt, and a lack of self-esteem.  It’s exhausting!

As I work with students I try to help them understand that no matter how they were raised or whatever extreme standards and expectations they grew up with, they have the ability to learn how to please and approve of themselves.

Anything extreme instantly provokes personal insecurity. Extreme never makes anyone feel good enough.  What happens to people who do not feel good enough? They begin to OVERDO and nothing is ever simple again.  The mind stories (spinning fantasy scenarios) send signals to their brains, unconsciously turning every situation into a drama…I have to do this, I have to do that, I better check on this, I better check on that. Anything extreme creates anxiety, worry and drama.  They cannot stop. Therefore, they will continue to miss the rare and wonderful moments of relaxation.

College can be a positive force if we can see the experience as a mission to be ourselves, to be true to who we are, and believe in our thoughts and feelings.  It can be a time when we can overcome self-criticism, self-doubt, obsessive worry, emotional clutter, mind stories, and unnecessary drama. It can give us the opportunity to recognize and utilize our natural talent and ability.

Mind Stories are the #1 problem students create for themselves. I teach them an exercise called The Catch Yourself Game.  They must try to remember that they are not in another person’s head! All of the chaos they create in their minds are mostly illusion. It’s a waste of their valuable energy. Noone can make a wise decision when they dissect everything to death. I often ask my students, “Do you begin to spin and create conversations and questions in your head which fog your brain.” They answer in unison, “All the time.”

Many students graduate from college without knowing where they are going, or what they want to do. Experience has taught me the main reasons for their confusion: l. A lack of self-acceptance. 2. Overly Self-Critical. 3. Not being able to eliminate illusionary mind stories and the counterproductive pleaser that takes up so much of their time. 5. Becoming a positive adult to nurture their angry child. 6. Having the ability to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and start all over again!

Unfortunately, many parents plan their children’s lives before they are born.  Once these little babies enter their lives they decide on who they are expected to be, rather than who they are. This is why so many parents begin to shoot orders on the kind of chores their  kids need to do and how they need to perform.   After all, they want their children to be perfect, and there is no such thing.

Perfection and insecurity go hand and hand. How can a child be secure when the expectations and standards are unbelievable high. It comes down to the parent’s need to control their children. They rarely ask their children questions like “What Do You Think”?, or “How Do You Feel?” They are too busy planning their agendas on a daily basis.  This can be very stressful. Kids pick up the vibrations when their parents are extremely nervous and worrisome. They learn to fear the chaotic environment. Therefore, they may not speak up or stand up for themselves, because they may be criticized or judged. 

 Parents do not always know that they are behaving in a cold, distancing manner. In fact, they do not know that they are repeating their own parents’ behavior.  What happened to them when they were  criticized, or controlled by their parents? They began to feel personally insecure.  Once this develops within their being, they tend to pass it on to their children. 

Even when a lifestyle is considered “normal” children tend to pay the price for their parent’s personal insecurity. Personal Insecurity turns into the need to control. Each time a child is hurt, he or she will build “self protective walls”.  He or she will suffer from indecision and never feeling “good enough”.    Anger and resentment builds throughout the years, because the fear of confronting their real feelings is unsurmountable.  

If parents do not accept their children for who they are they tend to build a thick protective shell. They begin to lie so they will not be judged. If children do not learn how to let the anger go, they can live with fear for the rest of their lives.  They harbor their pain and anger until it explodes. When they are at their wit’s end they begin to punish the next person and hold them accountable for their own mistakes.

It is said that we choose our parents. If we do, it doesn’t mean they are right for us. Little girl’s grow up with cold, distancing fathers and as they get older they choose the same kind of person as their mate. Little boy’s that grow up with dominent mothers tend to choose dominent mates.

My experience as a coach and speaker has revealed that many of my clients (both men and women) irrevocably resist letting go of their anger. I tell them, “The key to resolving your anger is to understand what provokes your pain. Anger is buried deep within us, and comes to the surface when we face old familiar wounds. Anger and insecurity are closely aligned. One nurtures the other. This can destroy any possibility of pleasure or happy moments. It’s your choice whether you want to hold on to your anger, or let it go!  If you keep it with you, nothing will ever be good enough!

Unfortunately, fear builds and develops into an unconscious priority that we all choose to live with on a daily basis.  It’s a woven web that entraps us and never let’s go.  Who can understand the complicated web of life? So much of it is an illusion that permeates our minds and hearts.

Fear is encouraged by continued repetition of pain and disappointment.  It responds to the difficulties we cannot control.  It begins with the impressions we receive from our parents or grandparents. Wherever it comes from, we will all be victims if we allow it to get in the way of the quality of our potential.

We all live with fear, but the percentage we live with is up to us.  It’s our choice. We need to courageously minimalize our fear, because our happiness and freedom depends on it. If we live our lives by how others affect us we lose our identity.  We lose the freedom to be in charge of our lives. Schopenhauer, the great German Philosopher said, “We forfeit three fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people. I say, “We forfeit ourselves when we choose fear over courage.

Taking the time to  and nurturing the ability to trust our intuition can override fear. If we can use our intuition it will serve as a loyal advisor, and guide us toward making wise decisions. If we can learn to trust our intuition we have just taken a huge step in fighting our fear. I remember watching a management consultant, in a large accounting firm, respond to what I said in a workshop “You just have to trust your gut.” I see him writing in his notebook, smiled and said “What Are You Writing?” His response was, “I just want to remember what you said”.

Intuition is not a detail, it is direct perception which is independent of practicality or logic.  It’s not a basic instinct. We all have intuition if we do not destroy it with too much anxiety, intensity, detail, structure, organization and perfection. Our intuition gives us the power to deal with our fear of the unknown. It helps to risk, to dare life and make our dreams come true. It helps us to try something new without the fear of waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Another fearful roadblock to freedom is judging yourself. You will never be good enough if you are overly self-critical, create mountains out of molehills and worry, worry, worry.

Most people fear change, even though it may benefit them. They stay in the wrong jobs, endure the wrong relationships and destroy their ability to act upon their dreams. They need to replace their fear with a burning passion to brave any danger or endure any trial.

Remember, the opposite of fear is love of oneself and if we can go to a place within ourselves our fear will dissipate.

Curiosity is natural in human beings, especially when they have a chance to learn more about themselves. Most of the clients I encounter, no matter what their profession, are intrigued with my ability to analyze their handwriting.

I first got interested in Graphoanalysis because I was amazed by the idea that it was possible to know all about somebody just from his or her handwriting. It has become an excellent tool in every facet of my career.  As a Coach, Motivational Speaker and Trainer I have always indulged my fascination with human behavior.  As I work with college students whether it be leadership training, team building or student development I find that I can be more effective using my handwriting expertise. There have been times when I’m able to walk into a session with an understanding of the participants before I meet them.  I often have them send me two full pages of their handwriting (cursive only) before the session and their individual traits, characteristics, and behavior become an open book. My intricate analyzation of the slant, letters, circles, spacing, size, shapes, margins, and loops in each individual’s particular handwriting gives me an edge.

I quickly place them in categories such as: emotional, practical, or logical. Then I analyze whether they are compatible or incompatible?

I also look for the following:

1. Those who approach life in a similar manner, and  those who may have difficulty getting along.
2. Those who lie easily, and those who are truthful.
3. Those who are action-oriented, and determined, versus those who are methodical and passive.
4. Those who are outgoing and those who are reserved.

These deductions are only the tip of the iceberg!

A good graphologist needs technical skill and interpretive skill. Being able to interpret properly is crucial, because I use it in a variety of areas–i.e. testifying in the courtroom, depicting forgery, fradulence, or psychological disturbance–in business for hiring, teambuilding, and employee compatibility. In education where self criticism, worry and anxiety prevail. Once I put all of the configurations together it must be accurate.

You may notice that your  handwriting changes. It has nothing to do with your personality and has everything to do with your emotions on that particular day, or during that particular week.

Is your writing legible or illegible? If someone can read all of your handwriting than it’s legible. If someone can only read parts of it than it’s partly legible and partly illegible. What does it mean if your handwriting is legible?  It means that you have a desire to communicate. The more legible, the better you are at communicating.

The more illegible, the more you tend to be a poor communicator of your thoughts and feelings.

I’m going to give you an opportunity to analyze yourself. You won’t be able to interpret your personality entirely, but you will get some idea of how you think, feel and behave, and it will be fun. Write a full page sample of your handwriting (in cursive) on a piece of paper. Now you are ready to anjalyze yourself or a friend!

LEFTWORD SLANT – Repress your real emotional feelings. To think one thing and say another, lean over  backwards to avoid emotional situations– oriented toward the past–fear, resistance and doubt.

VERTICAL SLANT – Suppress emotuional feelings — diplomatic- stay on top of things. “Head Over Heart”.

RIGHTWARD SLANT – Express your real emotional feelings–demonstrative–affectionate–passionate–look toward the future–vision–compliance.

SMALL HANDWRITING – Research oriented, powerful concentrative powers, methodical, not always social.

LARGE HANDWRITING – People oriented, outgoing, outspoken, have to be out there interacting and working with people.

SPACING – Good deal of space between words means you need freedom, like to do things in your own space and time, don’t like to be overwhelmed or crowded. Very little space between words—busy,busy,busy, do not relax well, leave very small margins–can be irritable and place a good deal of pressure upon yourself.

SHAPE OF LETTERS – Rounded — creative, artistic, writer, painter, actor, etc. Pointed – highly intelligent, aggressive, intense, curious, exploratory.

SEPARATION — Letters separated from the entire word means good instincts and intuition.

CONNECTED LETTERS — Logical, systematic, make decisions carefully.

LOOPED HANDWRITING –Very social, individualistic, imaginative, sensitive to criticism. Loopy d’s sensitive to personal criticism. Loops t’s — sensitive to professional criticism.

I DOTS — Right over the I — very detailed and efficient. High over the I — strong imagination. To the left of the I procrastination, Slashing the dot — overly self-critical, not a  lot of patience for inadequacy, or those who do not work up to their potential.

T CROSS — Right in the middle, very safe personally and professionally. Short crossing –need to build determination. Long Crossing — very determined and enthusiastic. Cross downward to the left — need to control your environment and do not trust easily.

O’s and A’s — Open o’s and a’s very talkative. Closed o’s and a’s — private.

HEAVY PRESSURE — Intense, anxiety ridden, worry, Light pressure, laid back, go with the flow.

SPEED — Write quickly, dislike delay, impatient, action-oriented. Write slowly, Need safety and security, methodical, can be indecisive.

MARGINS — Indent from the left–live in the past–Leave space at the end — Look to the future.

SIGNATURE — Is your identity or persona. Illegible, personally private and personally uncommunicative. Hard to know. Legible, Want to communicate, and more open in discussion.

Now you have hit the basics of handwriting evaluation. There is so much more. As a Master Graphologist I have the ability to guide you to understand yourself and correct the issues that may stand in your way. Handwriting is also a fun tool and I use it for special events, parties, or where clients want to provide interesting entertainment.

After listening to my clients, I have found that most of them were victimized by the egotism of a parent, or possibly both parents. It seems that parents raise children with their own selves in mind, rather than trying to understand that every child is unique and needs to function through his or her own personality, traits, and behavior.

Parents must not view their children as a way to achieve their own lost dreams. Chidren can lose their special individuality (when parents try to take control of their lives) by issuing “great expectations.”  If parental egotism prevails, children will continually live with an inner question: “Do My Parents Love Me?” Children who feel that they can never meet their parents’ expectations can easily develop into “pleasers”, people who need to be loved by everyone. These children never feel as if anything they do is good enough, and they grow up with inner rebellion and resentment. Always trying to obtain their parents’ love, they often say yes to their mother’s and father’s dreams, when what they want to say is no! As the years pass, these children can develop a deep problems with the decision making process. They may take forever to make an important decision, and opportunities can be lost. Fear and self-doubt can win out if children are not allowed to express their own individuality.

Parent need to respect and recognize their children’s innate traits, talents, and abilities. It is their responsibility to have the consideration and courage to let go of their own egos. They must support and validate their children, as validation nurtures self-approval, and self-approval tempers the need to be all things to all people. When children are allowed to make their own decisions under the guidance of parents who recognize the importance of their kids’ own dreams, blame and resentment will be replaced by love and respect.

Of course there is never one answer, but turning to the question of will relationships ever work, I must say that my clients and students are not always happy with my answer. I say, “Most men and women tend to attract, or choose the wrong person!” There are a variety of reasons for choosing the wrong person. Some men choose mother figures, a person that reminds them of their own mother, who may not fit into their idea of a romantic figure. Some women choose father figures, often like their own father, who may have been cold and undemonstrative. These choices are fairly common, (not right) but common.

My experience has shown me that challenging and unhealthy relationships occur when opposites attract. One of my clients said “Isn’t the relationship colorful when they are both so different?  My answer is “depending on the relationship and how much each individual wants to endure.  It doesn’t take long  before couples find out they are not compatible. They begin to recognize that they approach life differently. They do n ot have the same interests. They are not on the same wavelength. And after awhile they have nothing to talk about. Since I am a very positive person I definitely believe that it’s very important to work on relationships. When problems come up, it’s necessary to try to understand and accept each other’s differences. It’s as simple as one person being emotional and the other is logical. The feeling person does not respond well to cold facts, especially when they want sympathy or compassion. The thinking person does not connect with “warm fuzzy’s because they are not sensible or objective. They respond through their intellect. A thinker, who is with a feeler cannot understand what the fuss is all about. Thinkers are thrown off by excessive chaos and emotion. Feelers, who are with thinkers that cannot show emotion become personally insecure.  (More to come) Any questions up to now are welcome.

Practical and logical people tend to resist intimacy. It scares them. Practical people are very comfortable with the material realities of life. The emotional person may attract to the practical person’s stability, but if the intimacy is missing, the relation may turn out to be dull and boring.

A very strong relationship conflict is the lack of self-expression and personal confrontation. When this happens thre will be very little discussion about personal matters. Without personal discussion, resentment, anger and frustration looms large.

When couples refuse to talk about their personal problems they suffer on a daily basis. Some may be tolerant or enduring, but they are never happy. Tolerance and endurance can lead to misery or divorce.

 HOW TO LIVE FROM THE INSIDE OUT!!  

My role as coach, motivational speaker and published author has made me realize how important it is to focus on becoming internally conscious of our feelings and thoughts, both on a personal and professional level.

 My mission will be to present ideas and tools that will help my readers move away from that dreaded feeling in our gut. It’s called fear.  Once we can take the steps to conquer our fear we will be able to recognize, explore and utilize our talent and ability to its fullest potential.

Living from the inside out is courageous. The real truth is within us and it is not frightening, it is enlightening.

Healthy self-esteem comes from accepting what we really feel and having the courage to express it.  The ability to lead and inspire comes from believing in yourself. If we believe in ourselves we can accept our reality and realize our dreams.  Some of the topic titles that I will write about are  “live your truth” “who’s in charge of your life, you are!” “I’m stuck,  I can’t decide” “the pleaser– a need for approval” “living in a fear trance” – the unconscious state” “freedom and individuality” intuitive and imaginative ability, “what is good enough!”  “Relationship conflict”, “the fear of intimacy” “lost and alone”, “raising kids as to who they are, not who you expect them to be!”(Based on my book, the stars in your family) and finally “understanding the true meaning of self-esteem.”