Human beings are not born angry. They build their dissatisfaction through disappointment and a lack of attention. When kids grow up in a so-called normal family there may still be signs of disfunction. It all comes back to a lack of self-expression and affection. Many parents have difficulty with understanding their children, because they rarely give them a chance to express their real thoughts or feelings. If they do not give them permission to be themselves, as they grow and mature, they will not understand or appreciate their natural talent and ability.
Unfortunately, many parents plan their children’s lives before they are born. Once these little babies enter their lives they decide on who they are expected to be, rather than who they are. This is why so many parents begin to shoot orders on the kind of chores their kids need to do and how they need to perform. After all, they want their children to be perfect, and there is no such thing.
Perfection and insecurity go hand and hand. How can a child be secure when the expectations and standards are unbelievable high. It comes down to the parent’s need to control their children. They rarely ask their children questions like “What Do You Think”?, or “How Do You Feel?” They are too busy planning their agendas on a daily basis. This can be very stressful. Kids pick up the vibrations when their parents are extremely nervous and worrisome. They learn to fear the chaotic environment. Therefore, they may not speak up or stand up for themselves, because they may be criticized or judged.
Parents do not always know that they are behaving in a cold, distancing manner. In fact, they do not know that they are repeating their own parents’ behavior. What happened to them when they were criticized, or controlled by their parents? They began to feel personally insecure. Once this develops within their being, they tend to pass it on to their children.
Even when a lifestyle is considered “normal” children tend to pay the price for their parent’s personal insecurity. Personal Insecurity turns into the need to control. Each time a child is hurt, he or she will build “self protective walls”. He or she will suffer from indecision and never feeling “good enough”. Anger and resentment builds throughout the years, because the fear of confronting their real feelings is unsurmountable.
If parents do not accept their children for who they are they tend to build a thick protective shell. They begin to lie so they will not be judged. If children do not learn how to let the anger go, they can live with fear for the rest of their lives. They harbor their pain and anger until it explodes. When they are at their wit’s end they begin to punish the next person and hold them accountable for their own mistakes.
It is said that we choose our parents. If we do, it doesn’t mean they are right for us. Little girl’s grow up with cold, distancing fathers and as they get older they choose the same kind of person as their mate. Little boy’s that grow up with dominent mothers tend to choose dominent mates.
My experience as a coach and speaker has revealed that many of my clients (both men and women) irrevocably resist letting go of their anger. I tell them, “The key to resolving your anger is to understand what provokes your pain. Anger is buried deep within us, and comes to the surface when we face old familiar wounds. Anger and insecurity are closely aligned. One nurtures the other. This can destroy any possibility of pleasure or happy moments. It’s your choice whether you want to hold on to your anger, or let it go! If you keep it with you, nothing will ever be good enough!
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